ahhh .. august is the month of ripening blackberries .. they ripen over a relatively long period of time .. and now, here it is september .. i’m out wandering around .. still .. picking blackberries .. braving the finite points of blackberry thorns .. sticking my hand into the depths of them to pick the blackest .. shiniest .. sweetest looking .. melt in your mouth blackberries .. hiding .. almost as if daring me to find them .. which i do .. if only i could make my arms about three feet longer .. then i would reach the very centre .. where live the most succulent of berries ..

we are blessed with blackberry bushes .. they grow all over this speck of earth .. with so many special .. and favoured .. sites to choose from .. on private property .. (with permission, naturally) .. on public spaces .. along the roadsides .. in the parks .. behind the community garden .. on some routes you can’t walk thirty feet without encountering a thicket of blackberry bushes .. and even now .. you just have to look to the left .. or to the right .. while wandering down the road .. and poof! .. big, luscious, blackberries are winking back at you in the sunlight .. mmm ..

blackberries are best to pick when they fall right into your hands .. in fact, little picking is required .. just a tickle .. then the ripest fall .. and you catch them and put them into your bag .. or bucket .. or empty yoghurt container .. or straight into your mouth .. that sweet berriness filling your senses .. literally, when you pop that perfectly ripened berry into your mouth .. it hits the roof .. and melts .. filling your taste buds up .. with blackberry essence .. so tasty ..

there are many here who pick blackberries .. some, who have been picking for years .. expert blackberry pickers .. some, who are here for the day .. containers in hand .. looking to take away some blackberry goodness .. there are some who have specially devised blackberry ‘hooks’ .. to hook and move the prickly masses of stalks which are in the way of those most luscious bunches of berries .. however .. hook or no hook .. no one comes out of a blackberry pick without a myriad of assorted scratches .. on legs .. arms .. hands .. sometimes to the extent that there is a session .. once home .. with a needle and a magnifying glass .. to get out the prickle tips that chose to stay with you .. yet .. “battle wounds” are an important part of the blackberry picking experience .. after all .. what’s a little pain in the face of future jars of blackberry jelly .. or jam .. or blackberry pies .. or muffins .. or cordial .. or just a bowl of glistening blackberries with sugar and a little milk .. mmmm ..

we’ve been thinking “pond” in this yard for almost as long as we’ve lived here .. then, last fall frank had a job to change a three tier pond to a two tier pond, for a local resident of the island .. the third tier came home with him .. it was pretty standard .. a formed fibreglass pond insert .. maybe six or seven feet long .. black .. a curvy shape to it .. about four feet across .. with a couple of small ledges .. definitely, pond  potential .. yup .. the insert was the beginning point for the pond .. the process was moving forward ..

first, a hole was dug around the shape of the insert .. then, a vision of what could happen was seen .. it went something like this .. a ledge would run around the outside of the insert .. sixteen inches higher than where the insert sat .. there would be this .. and that .. (i couldn’t quite see the picture .. however, i have faith in frank’s abilities .. i know whatever he sees .. and builds .. will fit perfectly) .. so .. a pond .. wow .. it will be so wonderfull .. we started talking about plants ..  and fish .. and dragonflies .. tree frogs .. bugs .. all the new ‘wildlife’ that will come to the pond .. feeling pretty excited by it all .. then things were changed up .. a bit ..

the next thing i knew ..  the insert was given away .. and a very large hole was dug in its place .. a hole about four or five time the size of the insert .. maybe more .. when people saw it initially, they made cracks about “a swimming pool” .. really .. i mean, i could understand what they meant .. it had turned out to be a fairly large hole by then .. dug by hand .. all the dug dirt used to raise the level of the area around the pond .. shovel full by shovel full .. until bedrock was hit .. well, we know the bottom will be a solid base .. just under four feet from the top edge .. and maybe 16′ .. or is it 20′ long .. and maybe 10 – 12′ across .. so, yes, it does have some size to it .. easy to see how one would think of it as a swimming hole .. these photos don’t really do it justice .. and the sides have yet to be raised ..

the next step after the digging was to place concrete blocks around the perimeter of the pond .. then a second layer  of concrete blocks was added .. there is, of course, always time between these steps to check it all out .. a day or two later, a trip to the local pond guy brought about another change .. one layer of blocks was removed .. then the centres and ends of the blocks were broken out .. leaving a trench into which bent rebar was placed ..  laid down in a continuous line, through the centre of the blocks .. horizontally .. then more rebar was pounded into the centres of each block vertically .. there’s no such thing as overkill .. every step taken makes everything much stronger ..

once the rebar was all in place it was time for the pour .. cement was mixed in the mixer we share with a neighbour .. with the help of a friend each wheelbarrow full of cement was poured into the blocks .. tucked in around the horizonal rebar .. filled up to the top of the blocks .. after that, a trench was dug around the back side of the curving shape of concrete blocks .. about a foot wide .. and as deep as the depth of the blocks .. this trench will be filled with the next pour of cement .. in the meantime, the vertical pieces of rebar stick out about two inches above the tops of the blocks .. the second pour will be built up to cover the rebar .. probably by another inch or two ..

the outcome of all this .. as i’m told .. is strength .. strength to hold that concrete block “form” from possibly sloughing into the pond .. now, it is all one connected circular form .. strong enough to hold the stones that will be placed around the top of it ..

and .. i have the enjoyment of watching this outworking as it moves along .. step by step .. inch by inch .. shovelfull by shovelfull .. to its completion .. i know it will be a work of art .. gracing our back yard .. filled with fish .. pond plants .. marginals .. attracting and producing dragonflies .. damselflies .. an assortment of frogs .. and who knows what else .. all very exciting .. and as “they” say .. “if you build it .. they will come” ..

where some have a gift of vision .. to see what isn’t yet manifest .. a gift i have .. (or, at least that’s how i see it) .. is that i do not see what isn’t there until it is in front of me .. for instance .. the lily bed frank built .. he could see it before he even started putting it together .. i could not .. consequently, i often am surprised .. delighted .. touched .. when i do see .. whatever it might be .. appearing before my eyes ..

this gift comes with me to the garden ..  i think that’s why i have no interest in designing gardens .. it would take me years .. i can plant the seed .. plant the plant .. and yet, not quite “see” the end result .. and so, i merrily plant .. see what happens .. and then spend time replanting .. moving plants .. all in an attempt to create a certain affect .. a feeling .. a colour combination .. i’m not really sure what .. so far .. in this yard .. it’s been five years of planting and moving and playing around .. catching a glimpse of a vision of what could be .. and now, this year i am rewarded with a few visual delights ..

at the entrance to the yard something lovely is beginning to happen .. well, at least i think so .. it’s one of those things that i didn’t imagine .. a lovely dark pink ernest markham clematis nestled in the abundance of a blue bell clematis that scrambles across the top of the fence .. the blue bell is a sale clematis that came to me with no tag .. and it’s absolutely delightfull .. more abundant every year .. and now that ernest is making himself at home the combination is more that i ever could have imagined .. had no idea what the two would look like together until this year ..

the bell clematis has completely covered three quarters of the fence .. made it’s way over the arbour .. mingled with ernest .. mingled with the self pollinating kiwi .. (another story) .. it is “a very vigorous specimen,” as phil would have said .. it’s gorgeous, really .. the stalk of it climbing up five feet or more before it stretches out .. a profusion of stems .. leaves .. flowers .. it engulfs the top of the fence .. it’s taking over the arbour .. and it’s wonderfull ..

earlier in the year .. on the other side of the fence was another bit of pleasantry .. again, a sale plant .. a rambling rose with no name .. lovely thing .. more flowers this year than ever before .. brilliant deep pink .. almost to red .. buds .. open to a pastel .. antique pink rose flower ..

and not only this

.. yet another, unknown clematis .. (though i have a notion it is ‘etoile violette’) .. began blooming shortly after this lovely rose made her appearance .. and one day as i stood admiring the two of them ..  i could envision what they might look like in a few years .. intertwined .. initially .. the blooming of the rose .. then .. the clematis making an appearance .. eventually .. the rose fading out ..  and the clematis carrying on ..

that, dear readers, was akin to a revelation for me ..

it takes many years to make a garden .. does me, at least .. and i’ve barely scratched the surface .. i can hardly wait to see what emerges ..

i love making compost more than i love doing anything else in the garden .. well, maybe a little more .. in fact, i love doing whatever i do in the garden .. i do, however, recognize that all gardens begin with soil .. that soil is the foundation of any garden .. that soil is the building block of a garden ..  you get the idea .. and the magic revealed through the process of composting astounds me .. composting, to me, is magic in action .. compost piles, in and of themselves, can even be art ..

i had attempted, at different times in my younger gardening days, to ‘make’ compost .. for whatever reason, it didn’t work for me .. then, i started to work with/for phil .. well, phil was a gardener from lincolnshire, england .. had gardened from a very young age .. knew vegetable gardening, mostly .. (although he did create the beautyfull winter flowering shade garden) .. and he knew composting .. one of the first things he taught me .. much to my delight .. i mean, after all, we needed somewhere to put garden debris .. kitchen waste .. we even brought in straw from across the way .. “straw’s got carbon,” phil told me .. we layered the pile with all the ingredients at hand to let the magic happen .. we started off, initially, with a four by four by four pile .. just on the ground in the back yard .. it was as square as i could make it .. (i was so eager to please) .. it turned into a work of art for me .. sometimes we would just stand and look at it .. once we got it where we wanted it, the pile would sit .. and work .. and every once in awhile we would put our hands into the middle of it .. to feel the heat .. that in itself so amazing to me .. we did the compost piling for a couple of years .. when frank came into my life he built a three bin composter in phil’s back yard .. i felt as if i’d somehow graduated .. to the next level of composting ..

i’ve worked many compost piles since those days .. the picture above shows one bin of the three ‘binner’ frank put together at the community garden .. it’s made out of pallets .. simple to put together .. even i could do it .. (lol) .. we’re using the basic layering method .. my favourite method .. although you can’t see it, there are layers of garden debris .. with layers of maple leaves .. with layers of seaweed .. layers of some strawlike grass clippings .. layer upon layer .. no particular order .. just as the layers come .. people bring their kitchen waste .. dig it into the layers .. cover it over .. and eventually, the layers all blend in together .. working in the heat they create together .. coming out as beautiful earthen material for the garden .. i love composting .. and it’s free .. even better ..

oh, yes .. and it is a work of art .. a living work of art, if you will .. this particular one created by many hands ..

i realized this morning, while i was on a walkabout our garden, in the july 1st rain, that i hadn’t given the veggie garden much due yet .. as far as writing a bit about it .. it’s as lovely and different a garden this year .. as it was last year .. another wonder of gardens and gardening .. every year is different from any other .. that’s why i wonder .. sometimes .. about all the complaining i hear from time to time .. “nothing is as good this year in the garden as it was last” .. or .. “that plant is blooming so much later .. or earlier .. than last year” .. and on and on .. i wonder why we think that every year will be the same as the last .. i mean, really .. haven’t we lived enough years .. and gardened enough gardens .. to have noticed that none are the same .. hmmm .. more grist for the mill ..

anyway .. i was wandering through the garden in the rain .. just to see what’s happening there .. because there is always something happening .. in fact, i find that when i don’t visit the garden .. other than to water .. when i’m not peering on a daily basis .. or twice daily .. i’m always surprised at the growth that occurs .. when i’m not looking ..

for instance .. the tomatoes .. i have to admit now that when i entered into the garden this morning .. in the rain .. (i know .. i keep reiterating that element) .. that i was immediately called to the tomatoes .. to pinch off suckers .. to remove bottom leaves laying in the dirt .. to tie up the next tie on the vine .. that’s always a surprise .. i mean, i’m sure i just tied them up a couple of days ago .. now they’re tall enough to require another tie .. no wonder they were calling to me ..

this tie is not the most camouflaged of ties that i often use in the garden .. however .. it was a gift from an arborist/gardener friend .. he said you could just rip a piece off and use it .. it’s sort of like tape but not sticky .. so that’s what i did here .. ripped off pieces to tie up the tomatoes .. i couldn’t find the velcro .. which is my preference for tying .. and i’m out of string at the moment .. so .. you use what you have at hand .. and it works .. so really, what does it matter .. practicality wins over aesthetics ..

the suckers grow out of the crotch of the branches ..  every once in awhile .. while you’re peering deeper into the plant ..  there will be a sucker .. growing right where the branch hits the stalk .. as sweet and as succulent as it can be .. little beauties .. however, there is no place for suckers on our tomato plants .. it’s an energy thing .. when we plant a tomato we want tomatoes .. so the main stalk is like a vine .. and branches grow off the main stalk .. enough branches to supply the plant with whatever it requires to grow .. i trust .. suckers, on the other hand, take some of that energy to sustain themselves .. and they don’t really contribute much in return ..  as far as producing tomatoes goes .. so we pluck them out .. and, the energy that would have gone into the sucker is returned to the rest of the plant .. making fuller, sweeter tomatoes ..

the majority of  tomatoes we planted are two of our favourites .. early girl and money makers .. we also planted two san marzana/o (?) ..  plum tomatoes .. and frank picked up an organic russian heirloom named ‘sasha’s pride’ .. which is turning out to be a very sturdy thing .. and then i picked up a stupice at a local nursery .. i was told that this was a very popular tomato .. so we’re going to find out how popular it is for us ..

she or he .. the stupice .. is a very long and lanky tomato .. even the flowers come off a long and lanky stem .. and so beautyfull .. so yellow and fresh .. so full of the promise of tomato sandwiches ..

the broad beans were another plant that caught my attention .. they are also quite long and lanky plants .. i believe that’s an effect of not quite enough sunlight .. our veggie garden gets sun for about five hours .. not too bad .. we’re happy to have that, let me tell you .. being as we live in a forest .. however, the community garden which is out in the open gets sun all day long and man, the difference is mind boggling .. days of warmth and lovely rich soil are an unbeatable combination for vegetables ..

so .. again .. we work with what we’ve got .. and still the broad beans make beans .. and stunning flowers ..

i’m beginning to realize that i could go on here for what might seem like pages .. the newest addition to the veggie garden is our pea trellis .. which doubles as an arbour for the clematis that grows on the garden fence .. this clematis is actually in our neighbour’s yard .. and we have the benefit of it in our shared garden ..

the peas will grow merrily up the trellis frank put up .. mmm .. i love peas .. fresh picked .. raw .. again, i am so looking forward to peas ..

to make the trellis stronger frank ran cedar from the fence across to the top of the trellis .. this is where the clematis will climb ..

so .. even though it was raining it was obvious that the veggie garden was where i needed to be .. sometimes you don’t hear them calling .. until you are right inside the gate .. where time becomes irrelevent ..

i was in stu’s garden today .. we’ve been working together for five or six years now .. and we’re delighted, every year, with the progress we’re making .. a few years ago, after a trip to ontario, stu decided that he would like to make a butterfly garden .. his intention was to encourage monarch butterflies to come to the garden .. and so, both of us, ignorant really, began the process of creating a butterfly garden .. on the top and down the sides of a rock embankment that defines one side of his property .. what had been a craggy rock bluff has, with lots of hard work and love for the potential, become a garden .. it makes it a bit challenging when you put your shovel to the ground, ready to dig in, and find that one or two inches down you encounter solid bedrock .. lol .. ah, the joys of gardening on an island .. one huge rock, essentially .. anyway .. year after year, we’ve brought dirt and manure over from town .. year after year i’ve built up the soil .. layer by layer .. at this point, it’s about eight to ten inches deep in spots .. it’s been a great ‘build a garden’ experience .. yup .. we’re bulding a garden .. magic ..

i’ve never wanted to design other people’s gardens .. i’m more of a gardener’s gardener .. it’s my pleasure to assist people to bring about their own expression in their garden .. whatever that expression might be .. for stu it’s a butterfly garden .. for phil, it was a winter flowering shade garden .. i have enough ‘designing’ to do in my own yard .. thank you very much .. in our garden it’s more a joint effort .. frank builds the beds .. i plant them up .. pretty much willy nilly .. although with time i’m gathering experience .. i still don’t see it as my mission to design anyone else’s garden space .. that said, i’m happy to do the work required to create another’s garden .. and i’m delighted to maintain the gardens .. i find that every garden i have the pleasure of working in, is an expression of the one whose garden it is .. ‘designed’ .. or willy nilly .. stu’s garden is a bit of both, really .. he dreams it up .. i plant it ..

i’m beginning to realize that digression is simply part of my nature .. and so .. please bear with me ..

in the case of stu and me, ignorance has proven bliss .. and, although we haven’t yet attracted monarch butterflies, there are a number of others that are regular visitors .. different varieties of admiral butterflies (i think they’re called) .. lovely yellow and black striped swallowtails .. little blue guys .. tiny orange and black, skippers (?) .. and a few others that flit through from time to time ..

not all the plants in the butterfly garden are butterfly plants .. however, we have planted many that are .. butterfly weed .. asters .. coneflowers .. verbena .. agastache .. cat mint .. daisies .. flea bane .. red valerian .. alliums .. salvias .. to name a few ..

in the ‘non butterfly plants’ we have a startling red peony .. a gentian sage .. then, there’s a lovely big patch of lupines .. and we’ve let the foxgloves set themselves about the garden .. in fact, the foxgloves, and the lupines have been putting on the most wonderfull performance for us over the past two or three weeks .. i deadhead the lupines weekly when i’m there, and they are carrying on beautifully .. the foxgloves get taller every week .. the flowers climbing steadfastly up the stalks .. these plants may not be butterfly attracting plants .. however, they are attractive to stu and me .. we happily stand at the railing, looking over the garden .. oooo-ing and ahhh-ing ..

and, after all, that’s ultimately the point of any garden .. isn’t it .. ? .. isn’t that what drives us on .. or motivates us .. in part, perhaps .. to continually create a garden .. a space which gives us pleasure .. changing .. adding .. subtracting .. this colour .. that texture .. these together .. big patches of this or that .. continually editing in an attempt to achieve a certain picture .. or a feeling .. or a theme .. doesn’t matter, really .. does it .. it’s done for the sake of  pleasure .. and “what is pleasing to one .. ” .. every garden’s different ..

so .. butterfly season is coming upon us quickly .. every day we see more and more about .. maybe this year there’ll even be a monarch ..

i’ve just come back from one of the gardens i look after .. i was planting up some annuals that i brought over from town yesterday .. the garden is a newly, professionally planted garden .. this is its first year of growth and it’s doing very well .. most of the gardens over here are owner planted and gardened, so the professionally planted gardens are a bit of a novelty for us .. and, as a maintenance gardener i find it quite interesting to see how ‘professionals’ go about planting up a yard .. it’s a learning experience as i get to know the garden .. what’s planted where .. to see how, in some respects, the mind of a professional landscaper works ..

at any rate, before i get off on a tangent, what i wanted to tell you about is this lovely display of mother of thyme that is now in full bloom .. it grows along a six or seven foot stepping stone pathway, which leads to a larger barbeque area .. the pinkness of the blossoms envelope the roundness of the stepping stones .. the blossoms are about 2 inches tall throughout .. puffs of pink .. as you walk into the barbeque area, the pattern changes ..

in this area, huge rectangular slabs of concrete make up the patio, with about 6 inches of space between the slabs .. and those 6 inches around each slab are planted up with mother of thyme .. again, full of falling, puffs of pink blossoms .. softening the squareness of the concrete .. creating depth in the flatness .. where the sun shines on the thyme the flowers are in full bloom .. where it’s a bit shadier, flowers are yet to come ..

while i stood there, admiring the effect, the most wonderfull part of all was the myriad of bees buzzing about in the lusciousness of the flowers .. big bees .. little bees .. colourfull bees .. black bees .. dozens of them .. as they moved from puff to puff they appeared to be tumbling through them .. it reminded me of children jumping on beds covered in down filled comforters .. and the bees appeared to be having as much fun as children as they bumped around in these cushions of tiny pink flowers .. gathering nectar .. tumbling from flower to flower .. as i watched, they jostled about .. busy as bees .. working as only bees work .. oblivious of my presence .. so intent on the job at hand .. and yet, in their busyness was this element of playfullness and joy surrounding the process of collection .. it was delightfull to see the mother of thyme buzzing with bee activity ..

what i got from watching them .. joy .. joy of bee-ing ..

i just came in from outside .. while i was out there .. wandering around, completely distracted with all that’s happening in the garden .. rain or shine .. i realized that i wanted to get a batch of bread on before i start playing outside .. it feels as if my days are so full, at the moment, that i need to remind myself there are other things to take care of in my world, aside from the gardens .. so, bread’s rising and i have some time to type thoughts ..

i’m in the midst of frustration .. i keep getting this message when i attempt to upload photos:  “unable to create directory /home/.odelia/myname/gardenthoughts.ca/wp-content/uploads/2010/06 .. is its parent directory writable by the server?” .. whatever that means .. right now it means i can’t upload photos .. hmmmm .. this part of the computer thing isn’t my favourite .. i just want it to work .. do what i know it can do .. do it .. not all this mumble jumble in a language foreign to me .. gets my mind in a whirl .. so, until i get this figured, no photos other than what i have in my ‘wordpress library’ .. hmm wondering if it might have to do with having too many photos in that library .. computers .. aaaarrrghhh! .. that said, i love having one .. sigh .. dichotomies ..

i had to leave home for about three weeks recently .. maybe a week or two before that, i’d planted up the square foot garden up  .. the day i was leaving i took some peering time .. didn’t see anything coming up yet .. the braod beans were just starting to make volcanoes in the soil .. the lettuce and green onions i’d planted looked as though they’d taken ahold .. that was about all .. not being one to take much for granted, i was hopefull that by the time i arrived home again the little garden would be chugging along .. well, wasn’t i in for a surprise ..

life had been particularly busy while i was away, and i hadn’t really had time to think about the garden .. except for one night when the deer entered my thoughts .. had i left the spray bottle full, i wondered .. i talked with frank the next day .. interestingly enough, he told me that he’d been thinking about spraying for deer the night before .. i figured about the time i was thinking ‘deer’ he was, too .. well, his thought didn’t make it to the deed .. and i was too far away .. sure enough, next morning he saw the evidence of their presence in the yard .. that is one of the cardinal rules of deer spraying .. ‘don’t rely on the calendar .. rely on your intuition’ .. ah, well .. not a big deal .. i thought the great part of the story was that we’d both thought deer at the same time ..

and .. as usual .. i digress .. back to the square footer .. after three weeks of not being able to peer at those sixteen little square feet, i had no idea what to expect .. i knew it would have grown .. somewhat .. and when i saw it i was delightedl .. something was happening in each of the little squares .. just like a mini garden .. the broad beans, in particular, were astonishing .. they’d only just begun coming through the earth before i left .. now they were over a foot tall .. next i saw the transplants of lettuce and green onions .. for whatever reason, they were smaller than others i’d spread about the yard .. in pots on the deck .. under the blueberries .. these lettuces had thrived .. lush and loose .. the ones in the square foot, though, were stalkier .. not quite as loose as one might imagine a “drunken woman” .. checking out the kale, it was obvious it had had to battle slugs .. and looks like it won .. ragged and torn, but still there .. the chard, on the other hand, didn’t seem to have the same fortitude of the kale .. there were a couple of little red stalks struggling .. and the beets and carrots suffered the same fate .. next to nothing showing there .. however, the other lettuce and radishes were growing beautifully together .. more rows of radishes in another square foot doing well .. the spinach getting off to a slow start .. my mouth waters thinking of making spinach pie .. mmmm .. so all in all, i was delightfully surprised at what this little garden was doing ..

i’ve since replanted the carrots and beets and chard .. i was inspired by karen .. she also has planted up a facsimilie of the square foot garden .. her carrots and beets are already three or four inches tall .. happy .. healthy .. robust .. absolutely beautyfull .. a bit of envy pops into my mind .. “look how well karen’s are doing .. what happened to mine .. whine, whine .. question .. question .. maybe i planted too early .. maybe there was too much rain .. maybe this .. maybe that” .. i don’t know how one ever knows for sure .. there’s always so many factors involved .. soil .. sun .. warmth .. moisture .. things seen .. things unseen .. vibes .. i stop myself before getting embroiled in fantastical imaginings which only carry me away from the present .. in my experience, things grow differently in every different garden .. on our little island alone, i’m sure there are as many eco systems as there are square feet of island .. well .. possibly .. maybe not that many .. at any rate, our garden will, naturally, be different than karen’s .. and while i stand admiring her bounty, i can see a similar picture of our  little square foot garden .. well, once i replant .. one of the wonderfull things about this square foot garden is the patterns that appear .. i missed the initial coming up patterns .. now there are growing patterns developing .. and once all the square start growing .. wow ..  it could be like a patchwork quilt .. one could almost plan their square feet on specific patterns .. well, if one wanted to get really anal about it ..

and i’m thankfull .. the square foot garden is growing .. beautifully .. it will do what it will do .. be what it will be .. and i get to be here to watch .. and peer to my heart’s delight ..

well, after a couple of years of using wordpress, yesterday i was babbling away on a post .. finished it .. figured out which photos i wanted to add .. followed the usual procedure to upload .. got this message instead of my photos .. what makes a computer change its mind after two or three years of doing it the same way .. ? .. :

whatever that means .. right now it means i can’t upload photos .. hmmmm .. i did check and see that this directory actually does exist .. why does it say it doesn’t .. this part of the computer thing isn’t my favourite .. i just want it to work .. do what i know it can do .. do it .. not all this mumble jumble in a language foreign to me .. gets my mind in a whirl ..

i don’t know if anyone out there in garden blog cyberspace can help me out of this .. i did go to the wordpress help, but honestly, even those who want to help are eons ahead of my understanding of computers and speak in a lingo that is, to me, the foreign language stumbling block ..

so .. i thought i’d just put it out there and see what might come back ..

thank you

by the time i arrived at the hospice my sister had been there four days .. unbeknownst to any of us at that time, it turned out she would be with us for another ten .. although the time did not pass in days .. or hours .. or moments .. it was more like a span of time .. time passing .. an experience without definition .. everyone involved was part of the continuim .. for those next ten days we were more in tune with the sun rising and the sun setting .. the sole purpose for our being there was to be with susan .. so, that’s what we did .. each of us there having our own experience with her .. as it is all still relatively fresh with me, i have the urge to write of my own experience and observations of what is, to me, a most incredible phase of a life .. a phase that contains elements of sorrow .. and also, a phase that contains elements of joy .. a phase of life that we all come to .. eventually .. each in our own way ..

my sister lived with cancer ‘in remission’ for over twenty years .. i can’t imagine what that was like, really .. more just words to me, than experience .. after the cancer returned, about four years ago, there were many valiant efforts to somehow jolt it back into remission .. this was not to be .. her time was nigh .. and she knew it .. and was ready for it .. she’d told me on several occasions over the last months that she was tired .. i guess so .. it seems to me, that even if the cancer is ‘in remission’ that it doesn’t go away in one’s mind .. there is always a little place where the possibility exists .. you are always living with it .. it’s a part of who you are ..

and so .. i was greeted by my eldest sister when i reached her room at the hospice .. she was light hearted .. almost childlike .. in her approach to her final days .. initially, she was lucid .. accepting company .. guests .. people coming to express their love .. their friendship .. their sense of pending loss .. and graciously, she received it all .. on the first friday morning after i arrived, myself and one of the nurses dressed her, put her in the wheelchair and jauntily plunked her sun hat on her hairless head .. and off we went .. my sister and i .. strolling through the neighbourhood surrounding the hospice .. lovely older homes .. well tended gardens .. rhododendrons puffing out magnificent displays of colour and height every which way we looked .. we veered off the straight and narrow to a side trail that led us across the back of a school yard .. we travelled around a cul de sac admiring gardens .. my sister chattered away about all she saw around her .. so focused .. so present .. so in the moment .. both of us .. eventually, we ended up at a local university campus where we found a cafeteria .. we sat in the sunshine with a wall of rhododendrons a few feet away .. we watched bees pollinate .. my sister declared that if she had twenty more years to live she would be a honey maker .. beekeeper .. the cancer was nestled in her brain and consequently words didn’t always come out the way she intended .. i understood what she meant .. she chatted on about her life .. the choices she’d made .. where they took her .. were they right .. were they wrong .. hmmm .. i assured her that all the choices she made had been the right ones for her .. that otherwise she may not have met her husband .. had him at her side throughout all these past years .. and now .. ‘yes, ‘ she decided after some thought .. ‘that sounds true’ .. shortly, we carried off on our way back to the hospice as more visitors were expected that afternoon .. ‘you’re a good companion,’ she told me .. i told her, ‘it was my pleasure’ ..

later on, while i was back at their home, her husband called to see if i had noted any change in my sister .. which i hadn’t .. i suggested she might be tired out from the walk .. however, when i returned early the next morning she had moved into the next phase of her journey .. over the next days she slept .. she awoke .. she had fewer moments of being lucid .. the sister i had moments with that one morning was, clearly, on her way .. her sleeping patterns changed .. her breathing changed .. her moments of lucidity lessened even more .. we were never sure when we left how she would be upon our return .. it didn’t matter, really .. however she was, was just fine .. it was simply her process of leaving her body behind .. and we didn’t interfere .. in any way .. in fact, we encouraged her on her way .. her husband .. my other sister .. her husband .. and myself .. we watched the process unfold .. let it be .. had waves of sorrow .. waves of understanding .. waves of deep feeling .. waves of joy .. it was all fine .. all part of the process for each of us .. in our own ways ..

that last walk with my sister was like a huge gift .. her sitting there beside me .. in a wheelchair .. her sunhat jauntily perched upon her head .. smiling .. she was ready to go .. she knew it .. i knew it .. and i wouldn’t have missed being there to send her off .. ‘safe trip’ i told her after she’d breathed the last breath her body had .. ‘thanks for being here’ ..